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October 12, 2007

Gumball Terrorism Frightens Bureauweenies

While al-Qaeda plots the next 9/11 and Democrats systematically dismantle our defenses against it, the bureaucrats running Dover, New Jersey have zeroed in on a more urgent menace: unlicensed gumball machines.

Alarmed that terrorists might poison the gumballs, Dover's aldermen have launched a nine-month inspection of coin-operated machines that dispense them. After only six months they have already uncovered over 100 unlicensed machines!

Though the mayor backs the aldermans' crusade, police chief Harold "Butch" Valentine disagrees that the unlicensed candy machines pose a serious terror threat:

We've never received any information to the contrary. The gumballs are safe.

But then, with a name like Valentine, he might be biased in favor of candy.

Alderman Frank Poolas is less complacent. He considers the inspections "high priority," and wants to create a registration process for gumball machines so that his fellow bureauweenies can track where the candy comes from, fretting:

There's just no record of anything.

Poolas holds that gumball machines must be properly licensed, and must provide revenue for the town. But lest you think this is all about trying to squeeze out a few more tax pennies, Poolas gravely intones:

We have to sit down as a mayor and board, and come up with a decision on the gumball machines — for the children.

I'd say this whole story must be a joke, except it takes place in New Jersey.

If unlicensed, these could constitute a terror menace.

On at tip from Steve.

Posted by Van Helsing at October 12, 2007 5:33 AM


So, if they are so-o-o-o-o concerned about the threat of terrorism and protecting their community... do they report illegal alien criminals to DHS?

Posted by: V the K at October 12, 2007 6:18 AM

Actually, the terrorists would love to attack our children! Poison filled gumballs would do that. Better make sure samples are routinely tested. Does poison gumballs sound crazy? Well, on September 10, 2001 - 2 planes destroying the WTC sounded crazy too.

Posted by: Anonymous at October 12, 2007 6:22 AM

The lead-painted barbies in the recent chinese goods scandal were all licensed as safe for import, but they weren't. The toothpaste with all sorts of nasty toxins in it was imported under a strict licensing regime as well, but it wasn't safe. What makes you think that a stringent tax-and-licensing regime - that will probably result in lots of these machines simply disappearing - will prevent such an attack?

Posted by: Archonix at October 12, 2007 6:45 AM

(that was for anonymous of course)

One thing to add: the credo of the left is that no act can be performed without the explicit approval of the state. That means everything ultimately needs to be licensed and regulated by the state. Everything that isn't licensed is forbidden.

Posted by: Archonix at October 12, 2007 6:48 AM

A Feminist & Gore the propagandist win Nobel prizes. And the socialist/communist nightmare marches forward even more.

Posted by: Anonymous at October 12, 2007 8:19 AM

Next they need to investigate condom machines in gas station bathrooms. You know someone with a syringe could innoculate the condoms with something nasty, leaving only a small pinprick.

Do the people that load these machines receive background checks? In fact, who is working in the condom factories? Are they illegal aliens without background checks? Or are condoms being made in China now?

Where will the horrors end?

Sorry, I gave blood this morning and my brain is a little short of oxygenated blood. Must have carbon dioxygenated beer, to "honor" Algore.

Posted by: joe-6-pack at October 12, 2007 11:19 AM

Archonix brings up a good point. As another example, hairstylists must be licensed. Why does anyone need a license to chop off hair? I wouldn't want to go to someone who wasn't trained, lest I end up with a haircut similar to the bowlcut that kids from the '70s often sported, but training is different licensing. Pretty soon we'll need licenses to walk our dogs.

I think it really is all about the money. The children are just a handy excuse. SCHIP, anyone?

Posted by: Pam at October 12, 2007 11:35 AM

Poison filled gumballs would do that. Better make sure samples are routinely tested. Does poison gumballs sound crazy?

No because everyone knows the terrorists are out to contaminate our previous bodily fluids.

Posted by: V the K at October 12, 2007 11:50 AM

V the K,

Im sure your aware of the plot involving fluoridation of water, but do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, children's ice cream. You know when fluoridation first began? Nineteen hundred and forty-six. Nineteen forty-six. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.

Posted by: General Jack D. Ripper at October 12, 2007 12:09 PM

Gumball machines would be a usefull way of planting bombs.

Posted by: KHarn at October 12, 2007 2:00 PM

"Pretty soon we'll need licenses to walk our dogs."

Well, uh... my sister until last year worked at a charitable dog sanctuary. They had people who would come and walk the dogs, for free, just to help out and enjoy walking dogs. My elderly father liked to do it.

Then they were told that they couldn't have people just volunteering to walk dogs. Health and safety, they might get hit by a car while dog walking.

So, no more volunteer walkies.

I kid you not.

Posted by: Ian from the EUSSR at October 12, 2007 2:24 PM

Enough with the references to Dr. Strangelove. We have a War on Gumballs to fight!

Posted by: Freedom Now at October 12, 2007 3:08 PM

Gumball machine rumors:
*Chinese gumball are unacceptable because they are square.
*Only the red ones are dangerous.
*Face Mecca and the gumball will not explode
* In case of accidentally blowing himself up, the gumball terrorist does not receive 70 virgins but 70 Butterfinger candy bars.

Posted by: Ted at October 13, 2007 5:37 AM

America is being attacked by gumballs? Quick, call Roger Ramjet! or at least Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Posted by: Kevin at October 13, 2007 6:24 PM