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April 11, 2010

10 "Eco-Sexual" Sins Against Gaia and How to Avoid Them

Posted by Gregory of Yardale at April 11, 2010 1:50 PM

In case there are any doubters left that environmentalism is a religion, the author of Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable warns of ten sins a Green acolyte might make in the course of pursuing recreational sex, and how to avoid them, thus might Gaia favor thee, and make thy days long in her bosom.

Sin: Courting by car: Thou shalt ride thy bicycle or take thee thy public transportation if thou really musteth.

Sin: Perfume: Thou shalt not hide thy BO, save it be with patchouli, which pleaseth the Mother-Goddess.

Sin: Eating unsustainable chocolate: Thou shalt not give thy hook-up a box of truffles unless they're organic and fair trade certified.

Sin: Reproductive Sex:
Thy sex shalt not produceth children, unless thy be-est a lesbian and art using thy turkey baster; for Gaia favoreth the hip and trendy who flaunteth social mores.

Sin: Normal food:
Thou shalt eateth only of thy organic, local and fair-trade products.

Sin: Unsustainable bedding:
Thou shalt have no other but sustainable, recycled bed-linens.

Sin: Modern Medicine:
Thou shalt not medicate thyself, for medicines are the work of the oppressive patriarchy, which Gaia despiseth. Thou shalt be vegan, practice thy yoga, and use thee thy Cherokee Hair Tampons.

Sin: Toxic sex toys: Thou shalt pleasure thyself only with organic sex toys... cucumbers, ears of corn, a banana if it be Free Trade, but never sausages!

Sin: Tainted lubricants:
Thou shalt not use thee KY nor any other petroleum-based lubricants. Use thee soy yogurt, thus that Gaia may be pleased.

Sin: Talking about Gaia during Sex:
Thou shalt not invoke Gaia, thy Goddess, while knocking thee thy boots.

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Thou shalt have no other goddesses before Gaia.