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November 26, 2008

Americans With No Abilities Act Won't Be Needed

Here's a surprise: says the Americans With No Abilities Act isn't on the level:

WASHINGTON , DC — Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons of Inability. … At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Non-abled — banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?"
"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint , Michigan , due to her lack of any discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Ted Kennedy: "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."

How crestfallen persons of inability must be to learn this invitation to Hope was a hoax. But it looks like the AWNA Act won't be needed anyway. After the government has finished nationalizing the banking and automotive industries, and then moves on to healthcare, there will be vast sectors of the economy run like the post office, the DMV, and public schools, where ability is irrelevant.

On a tip from Byron.

Posted by Van Helsing at November 26, 2008 10:25 AM


The nonthinking liberal americans without brains act that would include quite a few liberal politicians like TED KENNEDY and AL GORE

Posted by: Spurwing Plover at November 26, 2008 12:16 PM

Moonbats: promoting inability since 1968.

Posted by: Anonymous at November 26, 2008 12:26 PM

We should revisit this topic in about 3 1/2 years to make sure it's still "just a hoax".

Posted by: hiram at November 26, 2008 12:55 PM

Is this a joke? It sounds like something that I would expect to see on April Fools Day. I thought that we already had a place for people with no real job skills...congress.

Posted by: Marc at November 26, 2008 12:58 PM

What do you think would happen if some idiot with no skills that works for Boeing Aircraft Manufacturing got promoted to a position like inspecting jet engine installtions. That's a scarey thought.

These stupid liberal law makers always thinking backwards. Wouldn't it be smarter to train and educate these people. It might just give these people some meaning to their lives. This is more affirmative action bullshit.

Pelosi, Reid, Kennedy, Boxer and the rest of the liberal leaders make me sick. They are going to turn this country into a fucking nanny state.

Posted by: Watching at November 26, 2008 1:02 PM

I would have thought this was funny a few years ago, you know, good parody has alot of truth in it.

It's getting a little too close to the whole truth to be funny now.

Posted by: forest at November 26, 2008 1:08 PM

Funny, but a recycle from The Onion from about 10 years ago....

Posted by: Rob Banks at November 26, 2008 1:46 PM

That's a good one Rob. This is the most prophetic part:

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans—through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton

We seem to have hit the 52% mark, which means we're nearly doomed. The majority votes for candidates who will give them handouts at the expense of the productive 48% and it won't take long for the end to come. And making matters worse, formerly useful forces in the business sector like auto makers and financial institutions are being reduced to wards of the state as well. Unions and mismanagement killed manufacturing, and race hustling attorneys, bad do-gooder laws and mismanagement have destroyed the financials. Oof.

Small business, churches, family and strong individuals are the only forces left to oppose the moonbat destruction of the greatest country in history. But we're not dead yet.

Posted by: forest at November 26, 2008 2:00 PM

There is a British movie in this spirit. I don't know the title, I tuned in when it was half-way through, I think it was from the sixties.

One scene had a delegation of workers come into the boss' office to complain that a TOTAL INCOMPETENT was opperating a forklift, creating a hazard to others. The boss took imediate action and said that he would fire the man and the workers said OK. They came back five seconds later with their UNION BOSS who told the company's owner that it was in their contract that "no one could be fired if he is unable to do his job". They threatened to go ON STRIKE if the incompetent was fired and the boss backed down.
The next scene showed everyone in the factory reading, playing cards, ect untill quiting time!

Posted by: KHarn at November 26, 2008 3:15 PM

There is a British movie in this spirit. I don't know the title...

Sounds like that Peter Sellers movie I'm All Right Jack.

Posted by: Kevin R at November 26, 2008 3:59 PM

UAW rulebook has been heavily plagiarized here.

Posted by: chillguy33 at November 26, 2008 4:58 PM

This is a joke, isn't it?
Please, for the love of God, tell me this is a joke.

Posted by: Adam at November 26, 2008 6:01 PM

Mentaly retarded persons are more intellegent then many of those liberal politicians

Posted by: Spurwing Plover at November 26, 2008 7:02 PM

Americans With No Abilities Act Won't Be Needed

Well, the ACLU, DNC, MoveOn, Code Pink will stay staffed, at any rate.

Posted by: Mike at November 26, 2008 8:04 PM

Our society is really sick. I believed this was real until the last paragraph. That was a real trip!!

Posted by: AC at November 26, 2008 8:38 PM


Just wait 3 1/2 years, and it might not be a joke.

Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, and your pistol at the ready (safety on). If you encounter motion-sickness from the "ups" and "downs" and "downs" in the stock market, a sickness-bag is provided in the seat pocket in front of you. Should you end up in a "Socialist Worker's Paradise", remember that Bovine Encephalitis is caused by cows being fed the brains of other cows, therefore cannibalism will not be dangerous to your health provided you do not eat any part of the nervous system of another human bei... er, um... patriotic worker.

Cook as you would pork. Unless that offends Muslims.

Posted by: hiram at November 26, 2008 8:54 PM

Don't see an open thread anywhere so putting this in here, hope that's all right:

"Queen's University in Kingston, Ont., has hired six students whose jobs as "dialogue facilitators" will involve intervening in conversations among students in dining halls and common rooms to encourage discussion of such social justice issues as race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, ability and social class."

Funny thing, Van was posting just the other week about an increase in justifiable homicides..

(Just saying)

Posted by: mandible claw at November 27, 2008 12:37 AM

Didn't SNL do a skit on this back in the late 70's or so? Maybe a faux public service announcement?

Something about a campaign to "Hire the Incompetent" or Equal Rights for Incompetents.

I am sure that some Dems would like this sort of legislation (as long as it didn't apply to them), but I don't think they would be as blatant with the title.

It might be something like "Workers with Unequal Skills Act" - WUSA or "Unequal Skills Parity Act" - USPA or "Unequal Skills Equality Act" - USEA. See, all of those make nifty new government acronyms!

Posted by: on-the-rocks at November 27, 2008 6:45 AM

Is this not just like the government? The law makers have nothing better to do than show their inabillity to pass meaningful laws. Instead they pass laws for incompentents by incompentents such that those with no abilities will not challange the positions of those of incompentence. Throw the bums out of office.

Posted by: Robert at November 28, 2008 5:30 PM

And Gays still can not legally marry in CA due to ignorant Democratic Party Voters who hate Gays.

Posted by: Oiao at November 28, 2008 7:59 PM