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October 11, 2005

General Zod 2008

Worried that you won't have anyone to vote for if 2008 confronts us with Hillary vs. McCain? There is another option. Vote for General Zod to be our future president and eternal ruler.

Here's how General Zod summarizes his campaign:

When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn't know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression. Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.

Zod kicked off his campaign in Philadelphia. The crowd reacted with "wild cheers and a fanfare of balloons and confetti" as the General announced:

Your lands, your homes, your possessions, your very lives — all of this and more you will gladly give to me! In return, I promise you lower taxes and cheap gas prices!

"That's my President right there," said Doris Eddins of Trenton. "I hear he's gonna put a lien on my house, but he's promising tax refunds. You hear that? The President's gonna send me a check!"

Zod's campaign platform includes some cutting edge concepts:

• I do not take orders. I give them. Congress shall no longer have the ability to impeach me or override my decisions, and the Supreme Court shall not meddle in government affairs.
• Eliminate the Iraq War. The Iraq War has shifted $187 billion to the defense industry. How is this "defense industry" to kneel before me? Are my praises to be sung as footnotes in their paperwork? You will stop giving these corporations your wealth. I suggest you put the money into your own schools and health care, so that I may have intelligent, healthy servants. I will indulge your wishes if you all want a Westernized, unpopular regime in Iraq, and I too shall gloat in its troubles, but it will not be done at my expense.
• Corporate reform. You people have become disgusting minions to these things you call "corporations". These things take your money and your land, put you into debt, send your jobs overseas, provide you with unsafe foods, and sue you when you say anything bad about them. Yet you people fatten them up at the ballot box. You give them free land, name your stadiums after them, allow them to telemarket you, and even sacrifice your own bankruptcy protections. Quite frankly it astonishes me. I will break this sickly codependency. It is I who shall be your ruler. I shall empower you with wealth to give me as tribute. A corporation cannot bow to me or give me tribute that comes from the heart.

If the campaign doesn't catch on, look for Zod to sign on as Hillary's running mate. Thanks to V the K for the tip.

Posted by Van Helsing at October 11, 2005 12:10 PM

Comments

Posted by: Archonix at October 11, 2005 5:45 PM

Posted by: Nehring at October 11, 2005 10:11 PM