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September 21, 2005

The Mouth From the South Sounds Off

Wonderful news! North Korea is not a threat, according to the great Ted Turner, founder of CNN, where he appeared on Monday to share his remarkable opinions with Wolf Blitzer and the world.

North Korea may be able to nuke South Korea and Japan, but that's no problem, because at the moment they can't reach the USA. Well, they can already reach parts of Alaska, but according to Turner, "there's nothing up there but a few sea lions."

It turns out Kim Jong-Il has been getting bad press. Although Turner didn't get to meet him on his recent trip to the North Korean workers' paradise, he has seen pictures, and the Stalinist dictator "didn't look too much different than most other people." Two eyes, a nose, a mouth — same as us, so how bad could he be?

Life under communism isn't as awful as we thought. Although Turner admitted that the people are thin, he didn't personally witness any brutality during his visit, and didn't seem much bothered that the inmates of that hellish country are literally starving.

Turner, who has been outspoken in his contempt for Christians, referred to the Bible in the course of an incoherent attempt to explain why we ought to embrace Kim Jong-Il as a friend:

But you know it's, in the Bible says you're supposed to forgive seven times seventy, or something like that, but just because, just because, you know, I mean, in 1940, the Germans were our enemies. For the last 50 years, they've been our allies.

More good news: Germany is our ally. Someone get the word to Gerhard Schroeder.

As to whether North Korea would continue to violate nuclear proliferation agreements as they have consistently done in the past, Turner asserts, "I am absolutely convinced that the North Koreans are absolutely sincere." He believes that people should "at least go up there and look in their eyes and have a chat with them" before accusing the North Koreans of being untrustworthy.

It's true that there's more to North Korea that gulags, starvation, and nuclear weapons development. The Washington Times reports that they are also heavily into counterfeiting American money.

Speaking of free money, Turner believes that passing it out will cure us of terrorism. On David Letterman last Friday, he opined that "You don't stop terrorism with tanks, you stop it with giving people hope so they won't want to blow themselves up." You give them hope, if you're a liberal, by giving them money that you have appropriated from whoever earned it. Turner figures that a $62 billion payoff, courtesy of American taxpayers, ought to do the job.

Turner also used the Letterman show to get it on the record that the Iraqi people were better off living under a brutal dictator who used chemical weapons on his own people than they are with democracy.

Ted Turner — unreachably insane.

Posted by Van Helsing at September 21, 2005 6:35 AM


I'm thinking that maybe Ted was even too far left for Hanoi Jane? Nah. I think she was just stealing his limelight. How anyone at his age can be so gullible is beyond me. How does such a moron amass so much wealth?

In the interview with Wolf Blitzer: "Well, I didn't get to meet him [Kim Jong Il], but he didn't the pictures I've seen of him on CNN, he didn't look too much different than most of the other people I've met." Gee, could it be because they're all Korean? Nah.


Posted by: Von Oyster at September 21, 2005 7:55 AM

Ah, that Ted Turner and his Kimjongilia colored eyes.

Posted by: Sirc_Valence at September 21, 2005 8:30 AM

He can afford to be stupid. Besides, does he have to live there?

Posted by: Pam at September 21, 2005 11:51 AM

You know, I'm from Atlanta. When Ted came on the scene, he was the man. He was cool, invested in the Braves and Hawks, funny as hell, and a complete ass. Heck, he practically made Atlanta into the economic engine that it is. One time, I was at a Hawks game. If you're familiar with the old Omni and CNN Complex, well they were basically right next to each other. I came strolling out by myself one night, left the Omni and started walking thru the CNN Center and there he was, just kind of wandering around. I said Hi Ted! He said hey, and we had, not really, but he just started jabbering away about basketball, baseball, did I watch CNN? Did I love Andy Griffith? Well of course. He was so cool. Next thing I knew, I heard he was chasing Jane Fonda. Chasing that disgusting treasonous whore.

Posted by: Donald at September 21, 2005 2:04 PM

Ted needs to up his Prozac dose again.

Posted by: cube at September 21, 2005 2:13 PM

People of Turner's type do things because they can. That's all; it's simple, and easy to understand. They've reached a point of wealth and age where their hidden desires need be hidden no longer; and they just do what they want. If it's legal, they do it openly. What you or I say or think means nothing to them.

Posted by: Debris Trail at September 21, 2005 4:39 PM

Thanks for sharing your tale of bitter jealousy and disappointment with everyone, Donald.

Posted by: Sirc_Valence at September 21, 2005 8:25 PM

I say, Ted should run for the next DNC chairman, after Dean leaves to go manage the campaign of the next Democrat presidential nominee.

What a piece of work. Where'd you find that priceless picture?

Posted by: The MaryHunter at September 21, 2005 9:38 PM

My Favorite pic of Buffalo Ted Turner.

Posted by: Billy Budd at September 22, 2005 12:08 AM

You don't do yourself a favour by calling TT insane. He sees things differently. He has a (slightly) different political view (in the greater scheme of things). No need to overreact. You debase yourself by using childish labels.

Posted by: John at September 22, 2005 3:51 PM