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September 21, 2005
The Mouth From the South Sounds Off
Posted by Dave Blount at September 21, 2005 6:35 AM
Wonderful news! North Korea is not a threat, according to the great Ted Turner, founder of CNN, where he appeared on Monday to share his remarkable opinions with Wolf Blitzer and the world.
North Korea may be able to nuke South Korea and Japan, but that's no problem, because at the moment they can't reach the USA. Well, they can already reach parts of Alaska, but according to Turner, "there's nothing up there but a few sea lions."
It turns out Kim Jong-Il has been getting bad press. Although Turner didn't get to meet him on his recent trip to the North Korean workers' paradise, he has seen pictures, and the Stalinist dictator "didn't look too much different than most other people." Two eyes, a nose, a mouth — same as us, so how bad could he be?
Life under communism isn't as awful as we thought. Although Turner admitted that the people are thin, he didn't personally witness any brutality during his visit, and didn't seem much bothered that the inmates of that hellish country are literally starving.
Turner, who has been outspoken in his contempt for Christians, referred to the Bible in the course of an incoherent attempt to explain why we ought to embrace Kim Jong-Il as a friend:
But you know it's, in the Bible says you're supposed to forgive seven times seventy, or something like that, but just because, just because, you know, I mean, in 1940, the Germans were our enemies. For the last 50 years, they've been our allies.
More good news: Germany is our ally. Someone get the word to Gerhard Schroeder.
As to whether North Korea would continue to violate nuclear proliferation agreements as they have consistently done in the past, Turner asserts, "I am absolutely convinced that the North Koreans are absolutely sincere." He believes that people should "at least go up there and look in their eyes and have a chat with them" before accusing the North Koreans of being untrustworthy.
It's true that there's more to North Korea that gulags, starvation, and nuclear weapons development. The Washington Times reports that they are also heavily into counterfeiting American money.
Speaking of free money, Turner believes that passing it out will cure us of terrorism. On David Letterman last Friday, he opined that "You don't stop terrorism with tanks, you stop it with giving people hope so they won't want to blow themselves up." You give them hope, if you're a liberal, by giving them money that you have appropriated from whoever earned it. Turner figures that a $62 billion payoff, courtesy of American taxpayers, ought to do the job.
Turner also used the Letterman show to get it on the record that the Iraqi people were better off living under a brutal dictator who used chemical weapons on his own people than they are with democracy.
