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August 11, 2005
Help Yourself to a Pot of Gold
Posted by Dave Blount at August 11, 2005 8:17 PM
I always hoped that reading the Wall Street Journal would one day enable my financial independence, even though the only part I read is the editorial page. Sure enough, it has given me a potentially lucrative idea. All eligible readers are invited to join in a class action lawsuit against leprechauns and their ethnically insensitive accomplices.
It was the Wisconsin Supreme Court's recent decision to allow a locust swarm of John Edwards types to loot their state's health care system that made me realize what a schmuck I must be to slave away creating wealth for a living, when you can bring in much more money by helping yourself to the wealth of others. The question was, how to join up with the gravy train?
The NCAA going on the warpath against anything that reminds them of Indians gave me the answer. According to the NCAA (although not according to most Indians), sports teams that honor Indians by naming themselves the Warriors, the Chiefs, the Seminoles, etc., are somehow being "hostile and abusive" toward the first ethnic group to settle in the Americas. Consequently, all teams with names or mascots that remind the NCAA's high priests of political correctness of Indians will be banned from all NCAA-sponsored postseason tournaments.
But it's not just Indians who should be defended from imaginary slights. What about the Irish? Like millions of Americans, I regard myself as having some Irish ancestry. How much, I couldn't say, but what difference does it make? The point is, when I see a leprechaun behaving like a greedy little deviant, indirectly casting aspersions on the homeland of some of my ancestors, it causes me emotional suffering, for which any trial lawyer should agree I deserve to be well compensated.
Why go after leprechauns in particular? Why of course, because every leprechaun has a pot of gold!
You may be thinking that it will be difficult to lay hands on an actual leprechaun. That's why the lawsuit will also apply to their accomplices. Take Jennifer Aniston. She's got plenty of dough. Her career began — was launched, you might even say — when she played the bimbo you kept hoping would die in the 1992 horror movie Leprechaun — a shamefully insensitive film that portrayed the title character (and by extension all Persons of Irishness) as a hideous troll who cackled maniacally as he swilled Irish whiskey and inflicted mayhem in his greedy quest to secure a missing piece of gold.
It should be child's play to convince the right jury that Ms. Aniston's wealth was built upon callous insensitivity to Persons of Irishness. She and others are going to need some very good lawyers. If you would like to join in the suit, you must be willing to swear that you are offended in exchange for free money. And you have to turn over a percentage of your loot to me. After all, it was my idea.
I'm going to be the next Erin Brockovich. Maybe they'll make a movie about me!
