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January 11, 2005

Moonbat Bloodbath at CBS News

Four employees of CBS News, three of them executives, died in screaming agony amid fountains of blood yesterday as they came briefly awake to find wooden stakes being pounded through their hearts. Immediately afterwards, their corpses crumbled into unholy dust.

Among the casualties listed by Fox News was Mary Mapes, producer of a pathetic attempt at a smear job that aired on "60 Minutes Wednesday," in which CBS did their sorry best to tilt the election to Kerry by impugning President Bush's National Guard service, lamely propping up their petty slanders with documents that were obviously forged.

Also terminated were Senior Vice President Betsy West, who supervised CBS News primetime programs, "60 Minutes Wednesday" Executive Producer Josh Howard, and his deputy, Senior Broadcast Producer Mary Murphy. The four sacrifices were offered up by CBS after a panel investigating the Bush National Guard story issued a report finding CBS's ham-handed propagandists to be guilty of "myopic zeal."

The head of this particular moonbat coven, referred to in whispers by his subordinates as "The Dan," continues to slumber peacefully in his coffin, but his fangs have been filed down to the gums.

The gruesome slaughter follows on the heels of a hat-in-hand mission by CBS News President Andrew Heyward and Washington bureau chief Janet Leissner to the White House to nuzzle the buttocks of Communications Director Dan Bartlett in order to "repair chilly relations" with the Bush Administration that they had strived so ineptly to limit to one term.

Heyward could not be reached for comment. He was last seen in the Los Angeles area, lumbering toward the La Brea Tar Pits.


CBS News President Andrew Heyward

Posted by Van Helsing at January 11, 2005 8:53 AM


Dear VanHelsing,

Very colorful picture of the end of the Gruesome Gang of Four (well, Five, but one got away). Who needs Buffy, we've got the brave Bloggers such as yourself to protect us!

Still, there was no evidence found of political bias... and I have a gas-powered wooden stake to sell ya, cheap.

Be forewarned: I'm hereby predicting that we'll see Mapes' resurrection as News Chief of Gore TV. How suitable for this heroine of the batty un-dead...

Shoot first (silver bullets required),


Posted by: The MaryHunter at January 11, 2005 10:01 AM